Are you scared of what might happen if you truly became all that you could be? I believe we are all capable of amazing things and of course one of our biggest blockers to that is our own belief in ourselves. But I’ve started to see a bigger demon than that, a far more powerful blocker in my own life. The fear of what might happen if all my dreams came true!
A little first about my dreams. In simple terms I want to be a hugely successful photographer, working with inspirational women and lets be honest, I wanna earn a lot of money doing it. Second on my list is writing, I wanna write a book. I wanna write a bestselling book, and I want some fame with that too. Wow, that felt uncomfortable to type outloud 😬 !
So what if my fairy godmother fluttered down at the side of me right now, sat her bottom on my desk and said ‘ok, you can have it all, ready?’ My first instinct would be YIPPEE! About fecking time! But if I am truly honest about it, and I've meditated on this a lot so it’s getting pretty clear, my mind very quickly goes to thoughts like this…bear with me...
She won’t be my friend anymore, she’ll think I’m showing off
He’ll think I'm gonna forget about him
What about my marriage? That’ll probably suffer if I’m travelling more
And my daughter, will I truly be a great role model for her or maybe she’ll grow to hate the way I put work and success first
I'll be like one of ‘them’ showing off, people will think I don't deserve it
They’ll see through me and hate me for it
Wrapped up in all this fear is…I will become unlikeable, unloveable, selfish. Am I alone? Does anyone else have similar thoughts? Years ago, long before I was married and in a very different relationship I cheated on my partner. It’s not something I’m proud of in the slightest, and in fact it’s haunted me to this day as I still find it hard to forgive myself for hurting someone who I cared a great deal about. At the time I seemingly had ‘everything’, I had moved away from friends & family so that was hard, but ultimately I was in a good place, so why did I do it? Honestly, I still don't know but the fear that I will fuck up royally like that again is what still lives on. I won’t cheat, I can say with a great deal of certainty that won’t happen, but somewhere deep inside is a fear that I will sabotage myself and the life of those around me in some way if I’m given too much success, too much slack.
So why am I sharing this? Because I’m pretty sure that there are plenty more people like me who have the same fears, ‘if I become a success bad things will happen.' It’s less a fear of failure, more a fear of success. Prob a bit of both actually.
I can’t pretend I’ve found the way out of this particular conundrum. Sorry. But I know with sharing can come solutions and I feel like the key is in loving myself more, feeling I deserve good things, and remembering that actually the people I care most about will benefit too. I believe we can develop these new ‘self-belief muscles’ (sorry bit of a twatty term but you get where I’m going I hope) through meditation, affirmations and visualising success, crucially our own success AND it’s positive impact on those around us. I also think journalling can help….both free writing (AKA scribbling) about what our triggers are and exploring them on paper, and also writing ‘as if’ which is the practice of writing as if something has already happened. For example, ‘I signed my book deal today,’ but then again build the impact on those closest into it too, ‘with the advance I got I booked us all tickets for Disney, the look on Macys face when I told her was so worthwhile.’ (We actually harbour no desire to go to Disney but I’m making a point 😉).
I’m also called to look at some of the women I’ve worked with over the past couple of years who are really beginning to own their success and shine. I don’t think any less of them. They don’t trigger anything in me other than a desire to rise just like they are. I’m proud to have worked with these women, to have been part of their journey and they are a daily reminder of what is possible. Ultimately I know these women all started somewhere because I saw it with my own eyes, they didn’t just arrive fully packaged and successful, they worked hard and a did a LOT of work on their demons too, they still are, but they are an example of what we are all capable of. How crazy that our minds can convince us they have something that we do not, they just got our of their own way.
I suppose inevitably with success comes some fallout. Like all change there will be adjustments to make, routines may need altering, and the people that surround us now may not be the same but as with most things it’s all too easy to focus on the negative. Instead of worrying that some friends may fall by the wayside, think of the amazing new tribe of people that could come into your life. Instead of worrying that your success might mean time away from home, focus on the amazing family holidays you may now be able to afford. As per usual the message from me is to BE SEEN. Do not hold back on your success for fear of what it may hold? Do not stay in the shadows because you're scared of tripping up in the daylight. As hard as my past mistakes are to live with, I have to remember that with those failings came learnings, and experiences that have taught me to be a better person in other ways. I quite simply would not be the same person I am today, and I wouldn’t be surrounded by the same people whom I love so very much.
So who’s with me? Time to start worrying less about our fears and more about our dreams! I am willing to push on if you are?
Few take outs from the above:
Daily meditation to boost your self-confidence and self-worth
Journalling on what you’re afraid of. You have to find out what is at the root of your fears so questions like, What will happen if I am successful? Why? Is this fear real, is their evidence to support it?
Writing As If. Imagine you’re writing a diary entry for your dream day and be sure to capture in that the people around you. Write in detail about the way it made you feel, the expressions on others faces, the smells and sounds.
Role models. Look at people you admire, not necessarily in the field you’re in, and research their journeys. You’ll be hard pressed to find anyone who seems to have had their dream life handed to them.